Forgiveness for Inter-Personal Sins

Jewish law requires us to ask forgiveness from anyone whom we may have harmed, whether the harm was physical, financial, emotional, or social. We are also required to be gracious in granting forgiveness. The Talmud (Bava Kamma 8:7) states, "From where do we know that it is cruel to not forgive? For it says, "Abraham prayed to God and God healed Abimelech..." (Genesis 20:17).

Maimonides writes (Hil. Teshuvah 2:9-10):

Repentance and Yom Kippur only atone for sins between Man and God such as eating forbidden foods or engaging in forbidden sexual relations. Sins between one man and his fellow, such as striking, cursing, or stealing are never forgiven until one pays up his debt and appeases his fellow. Even if he returns the money he owes he must still ask for forgiveness. Even if he only spoke badly about him, he must appease and beseech until he is forgiven. If his fellow refuses to forgive him then he must bring a group of three of his fellows and go to him and ask him [for forgiveness]. If he still does not forgive him he must go to him a second and third time (with a different group of three people). If he still refuses to forgive him he may cease and the other is the sinner. If [however, the injured party] is his teacher (rebbe) he must go to him even a thousand times until he is forgiven.

It is forbidden to be cruel and difficult to appease, rather, a person must be quick to forgive and difficult to anger and when the sinner asks for forgiveness he should forgive him willingly and wholeheartedly....

In Shulchan Aruch (R' Yosef Karo, d.1575) in the laws of Yom Kippur (Orech Chaim 606:1) we find essentially the same thing. The Rema (R' Moshe Isserles, d.1572) adds that one may withhold forgiveness if it is for the benefit of the person asking. The Mishna Berurah (R' Yisrael Meir Kagan, d.1933) explains that it may be appropriate to withhold forgiveness to teach the supplicant not to take it lightly. The Rema also permits withholding forgiveness when someone spread false rumors about you, however the Mishna Berurah says that in such a case one should still forgive.

In the prayer titled Tefilah Zaka which many people recite before Kol Nidrei on the eve of Yom Kippur it says:

I extend complete forgiveness to everyone who has sinned against me, whether physically or monetarily, or spoke lashon hara (negative speech) about me or even false reports. And (I also forgive them) for any damages, whether on my body or my property, and for all sins between a man and his fellow except for money which I can claim in a court of law and except for someone who sins against me saying, "I will sin against him and he will forgive me". Except for these I grant complete forgiveness and no person should be punished on my account. And just as I forgive everyone so should You grant me favor in the eyes of all men that they should completely forgive me.

The complete prayer is printed in many machzorim (holiday prayer books).

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The Thirteen Attributes of Mercy - The 13 Middos Shel Rachamim

One of the main features of the prayers of the High Holy Days is the recitation of the י"ג מדות של רחמים – the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy. These play a particularly prominent role in the daily Selichos recited at this time and in the Yom Kippur prayers. The Thirteen Attributes of Mercy were first revealed to Moses by God in the aftermath of the sin of the golden calf, when God forgave the Jewish people. (Exodus 34:6-7) The Talmud (Rosh Hashana 17b) tells us that God established a covenant that the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy never go unanswered and that God instructed Moses, “Whenever the Jewish people sin, let them perform this ‘order’ and their sins will be forgiven.”

There are, unsurprisingly, a vast number of commentaries on the exact meaning of these Thirteen Attributes and there is even some dispute about exactly how the words in these two verses should be divided into thirteen. For the ordinary person who wishes to recite the Thirteen Attributes with proper kavanah (intent), however, there is a need for a basic, straightforward, interpretation of the attributes that one can actually have in mind during prayer.

Moreover, as should be obvious, the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy are not a magical incantation of forgiveness. The Reishis Chochma (R’ Eliyahu di Vidas d.1592) writes (שער הענוה פרק א') that the Gaonim point out that the Talmud does not say that the Jewish people should “recite this order” for their sins to be forgiven, but that they should “perform this order.” This means that we must emulate these middos (attributes) in our own lives, and through this we will gain forgiveness. It is therefore important that when we recite these attributes, we have a clear idea of what they mean, not only as descriptions of God’s mercy, but also as practical guides for our own behavior.

The following is an highly condensed explanation of the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy that I compiled several years ago for my students (based on a wide variety of sources). After each attribute I am including, in parentheses, some additional commentary and notes on how we can apply this middah in practical terms. 

1. ה' – “Hashem” – God is merciful before we sin. (Even though He knows that we will sin, He is still merciful. So too, we should be kind and considerate to others, even if we don’t think they will appreciate it or reciprocate.)
   
   
2. ה' – “Hashem” – He is merciful after we sin when we repent. (If someone hurt us and sincerely wishes to make amends, we should forgive them wholeheartedly.)
   
   
3. א-ל – “God” – His power saves us from our sins after we repent. (If someone sincerely wishes to make amends for hurting us, then we should share the burden of reparation with them.)
   
   
4. רחום – “Merciful” – His mercy is active even before we repent. (If someone hurt us, we should not respond with anger and rejection, but with love and kindness, showing that way to forgiveness is still open.)
   
   
5. וחנון – “And Gracious” – He is kind to us even when we have not earned it.
   
   
6. ארך אפים – “Slow to Anger” – He waits patiently for us to repent. (Instead of punishing us immediately for our sins, as would be justified, God gives us time to repent on our own and avoid punishment. So too, if someone wrongs us, we should give the person time to make amends.)
   
   
7. ורב חסד – “And Abundant in Kindness” – He is biased to judge us favorably. (Whenever there is room for “doubt”, God’s kindness inclines Him to judge us favorably. Similarly, whenever there is room for doubt, we should judge others favorably.)
   
   
8. ואמת: – “And Truth” – He keeps His promises of good even if we are not deserving. (If we promised to do a good thing for another person, we should keep our word even if the person no longer deserves it.)
   
   
9. נצר חסד לאלפים – “He Keeps Kindness for Thousands [of generations]” – He rewards the righteous for two thousand generations. (If we owe a debt of gratitude to someone, we should continue to express that gratitude even to that person’s descendants.)
   
   
10. נשא עון – “He Lifts Up Sin” – When we repent, God “lifts up” our sins [of temptation]…
    
    
11. ופשע – “And Rebellion” – And our sins of rebellion…
    
    
12. וחטאה – “And Error” – And our unintentional sins, and transforms them into merits. (When a person sincerely wishes to make amends for hurting us, we should use this as an opportunity to develop an even closer friendship with the person.)
    
    
13. ונקה – “And He cleans” – Even when we need to be punished (i.e. cleansed) for our sins, He does so gradually, rather than overwhelmingly at once. (Even with repentance, the spiritual damage caused by the more severe sins may still require suffering to fully rectified. Even so, if the total punishment would be beyond our capacity to handle at once, then God spreads it out over time. So too, even in those cases where we must demand that someone make reparations for the harm that they have caused us, we should still be merciful and not demand that they do so in a way that is too difficult for them to handle.)

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Elul – The Lion Roars

“The lion roars! Who is not afraid?” – Amos 3:8

The commentaries (של"ה הקדוש, מס' ר"ה, נר מצוה בשם הקדמונים) tell us that the word אריה - lion – is an acronym for אלול - Elul, ראש השנה - Rosh HaShana, יום כיפור - Yom Kippur, and הושענה רבה - Hoshana Raba. This period of time, beginning with the month of Elul until Hoshana Raba, the seventh day of the festival of Succos, is a time for introspection and repentance. During this time, Jewish tradition teaches, the gates of teshuva – return – are opened.

The Chayei Adam (Rabbi Avraham Danzig, d.1820) writes (138:1):

Out of the love of the Holy One, blessed be He, towards His people Israel, He has done abundant good for us, and He has commanded us to return to Him anytime we have sinned. And, while teshuva is beneficial at all times, nevertheless, the month of Elul is particularly chosen and prepared beyond the other days of the year for the acceptance of teshuva.

For these days have been days of favor from the moment that we were chosen to be a nation. For after Israel sinned with the golden calf and the Tablets were broken on the seventeenth of Tamuz, Moses went up on the mountain and prayed, and the Holy One, blessed be He, said to him (Exodus 34:1), “Carve for yourself [two stone tablets like the first ones]”, and He found favor to give him a second set of tablets.

Moses then went [back] up on the first of Elul and remained there [for forty days] until Yom Kippur, which is the completion of the atonement. And it states in [the midrash] Tana D’Vei Eliyahu:

“For all these days the people of Israel engaged in fasting, and on the final day – the tenth of Tishrei – they decreed a fast day and they fasted overnight. Therefore, this day – which is Yom Kippur – was established for eternity for atonement.”

And because these [forty] days [from the beginning of Elul until Yom Kippur] were days of favor at that time, therefore every year mercy is again aroused above [during this time] and they are days of favor.

Elul is a time of great opportunity. However, like every true opportunity, it is also a great responsibility. For if God has granted us the opportunity to change and improve and we do not make use of that opportunity, then we effectively compound our guilt.

In previous generations the significance of Elul was better appreciated. The story is told of the marketplace of Kelm, Lithuania – the little town that was home to the famous Talmud Torah of Kelm – where a Gentile was attempting to bargain with a Jewish merchant, and he wasn’t getting anywhere. Finally, another Gentile approached him and asked him why he was trying to bargain. "What?" responded the bargainer, "Of course, I’m trying to bargain! Everyone knows that the initial asking price is always just a bluff!" To which the second Gentile responded, "Don’t you know? It's Elul! The Jews don't bluff during Elul!”

As we enter into this period, and approach the days of judgment on Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur, it behooves us to think over the past year and the events that have taken place and to remind ourselves that happened in the past year was decreed in the previous Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur.

I heard many times from my rebbe, Rabbi Yitzchok Knobel שליט"א, that it is very easy for us to get discouraged about truly changing our behavior at this time of year. After all, every year we go through the motions and afterwards we quickly revert to our prior behavior. He used to advise us to choose one concrete act, even if it was fairly minor, to improve and to make a solid commitment in that one area. God doesn't expect us to change overnight, He only wants us to make progress, and if we can show concrete progress we have a far better chance of a positive decision on these days of judgment.

So, let us look over our lives. Let us pick something – one thing – that we can truly commit to change, even if only for a specified period of time. Let it be a decision to recite a daily prayer, to attend a Torah class or to study Torah with a partner, to help another person, to speak gently to our spouse, or any similar positive act.

And may God grant us a sweet new year!

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